Loving Letters of 'Teshuvah'

Jerusalem 15 Tammuz/7/22/05

A dear friend and colleague shared with me a lovely family tradition she does with her family prior to Yom Kippur. Each parent prepares a "Teshuvah" letter for each of the children. In their letters they review the milestones in the child's life during the past year and their perceptions of changes in the relationship over this period of time. They extend praises and and ask for forgiveness for wrongs. The letters provide the parents an opportunity to reflect on their relationships with their children, to validate growth and change, and to convey their deeply held values. The husband and wife write letters to each other as well. The letters are read at the meal prior to Kol Nidre (seudat hamafseket) which they begin in the mid afternoon to allow for time to discuss and reflect on the letters.

What a beautiful family custom and an authentic application of the practice of Teshuvah which marks the season of the Days of Awe. What a wonderful way to bless children and spouses before the entry into the holiest day of the year. This lovely custom reflects a very conscious awareness of Judaism as a religion of convental relationship. The word Brit-covenant-is an critical term in Judaism. God and Israel are connected through Brit. A marriage is called Brit Nisuim-the covenant of marriage. Brit Milah or Brit Bat are rituals in which we mark the 'covenanting' of a child, the act of a parent bringing a child into the covenant between God.

Brit, then, is a way of giving great weight to relationships and the claims they make on us. David Hartman, when talking about his theology of covenant, askes his listeners to understand Judaism as one understands the relationship of a parent to a child. The experience of child rearing places a claim on a parent. Whenever we enter a serious relationship, the very reality of that relationship makes us feel a claim on us toward the other person. In Judaism there is a profound awareness of the claims of relationships, between parents and children, between teacher and student, between husband and wife, between friend and friend, between God and a human being.

In the Talmud there is an expression, 'Gadol hametzuveh v0seh mhalo metzuveh v'oseh'. Greater is the person who is commanded (to perform mitzvot) and does them than the one who is not commanded and does them. This seems completely counterintuitive in our contemporary culture. We are reminded by bumper stickers to perform random acts of lovingkindness. We are told to do acts of charity from the heart. But in Jewish tradition relationships and acts arise out of claims, not just inner feelings. Here is one way to interpret the talmudic dictum. A person's relationships are more meaningful and enduring when there is a claim which is responded to with loving attention.

Teshuvah-repentance makes sense when we see relationships as covenantal-making claims on us. The act of teshuvah, or repairing a relationship with God or human beings is responding to a claim they have on our lives. We seek to repair breaches in our relationships because our most enduring relationships make a claim on us. We cannot ignore these ties; they call out to us to attend to them, to care for, to have empathy for the relationship partner. Judaism is a way of life which commits us to attending to the most important relational claims, family, community, and ultimately God.

The Teshuvah letters of my colleagues' family than is a deeply authentic Jewish practice, one that honors the claims of relationships by attending to them at an auspicious time. I encourage my readers to consider this custom for their own families and significant relationships as we enter the sacred season of the Days of Awe. In this way the act of Teshuvah becomes concrete and our most important relationships can deepen and be repaired.

Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Dov Gartenberg